"Where'd you go? I miss you so, feels like it's been forever since you've been home. Please come back home."
Tonight I took Max to his first pow-wow. The dancers and music were as beautiful as always. However, I left feeling a little depressed. Naturally it reminded me of my mom, and lately she's all I can think about. So going to a pow-wow for the first time since we buried her was really hard. I held it together the whole time but really, every bit of me just wanted to sob and cry for her. It was incredibly hard to sit there thinking about my mom then suddenly get this horrible wave of realization that she really is gone and I can't see or talk to her.
It has been 11 months since they found her dead in her apartment. 11 months. It still hurts as bad as it did the evening we heard the heart breaking news. Over the past 11 months I've found myself thinking about her or thinking of something I want to talk to her about, then getting slammed with that horrible feeling. The feeling of "oh yeah, she's gone." It hurts more than you can imagine. My heart literally feels like it is being stabbed over and over and over.
I wish the pain would go away, or at least lessen, even just a little bit. But no. 11 months later and it still hurts my whole entire body to think about her. I miss laying in her arms while she held me as if I were still a child but yet an adult. I miss that happy uplifting giggle she had that just made you smile or laugh just hearing it. I miss her beautiful kind face. I can still see her expressions in my mind - the way she looked at us kids and the way she looked at Max. There's no doubt in my mind of how much she loved us.
It hurts that I didn't really get that much time with her. She died when I was 23 but out of those 23 years, I saw her maybe half of it. I feel so robbed by god for him taking her away from us so early in our lives and hers. I just want to hug her again. I want to talk to her so badly about so many things. I need her love and support so much right now. But she's gone. And I can't see her. Or talk to her. My heart hurts so much I just don't know what to do anymore so please mom, please come back home.
Tonight I took Max to his first pow-wow. The dancers and music were as beautiful as always. However, I left feeling a little depressed. Naturally it reminded me of my mom, and lately she's all I can think about. So going to a pow-wow for the first time since we buried her was really hard. I held it together the whole time but really, every bit of me just wanted to sob and cry for her. It was incredibly hard to sit there thinking about my mom then suddenly get this horrible wave of realization that she really is gone and I can't see or talk to her.
It has been 11 months since they found her dead in her apartment. 11 months. It still hurts as bad as it did the evening we heard the heart breaking news. Over the past 11 months I've found myself thinking about her or thinking of something I want to talk to her about, then getting slammed with that horrible feeling. The feeling of "oh yeah, she's gone." It hurts more than you can imagine. My heart literally feels like it is being stabbed over and over and over.
I wish the pain would go away, or at least lessen, even just a little bit. But no. 11 months later and it still hurts my whole entire body to think about her. I miss laying in her arms while she held me as if I were still a child but yet an adult. I miss that happy uplifting giggle she had that just made you smile or laugh just hearing it. I miss her beautiful kind face. I can still see her expressions in my mind - the way she looked at us kids and the way she looked at Max. There's no doubt in my mind of how much she loved us.
It hurts that I didn't really get that much time with her. She died when I was 23 but out of those 23 years, I saw her maybe half of it. I feel so robbed by god for him taking her away from us so early in our lives and hers. I just want to hug her again. I want to talk to her so badly about so many things. I need her love and support so much right now. But she's gone. And I can't see her. Or talk to her. My heart hurts so much I just don't know what to do anymore so please mom, please come back home.
