3 years ago we lost one of the most beautiful people in the world, my mom. After 3 years, my eyes still instantly fill with tears at the thought of her. I still have days where I have to force myself out of bed when I would rather just lay there and cry for her instead. I also still wake up in tears after having dreamnt of her arms around me once again. And of course there is always the ache in my heart for her that will never go away.
Max was 19 months old when my mom passed away. I doubt he remembers her, however, he talks about grandma Penni on a daily basis. I really don't know what to think about this or how to feel. He tells me how grandma Penni is his other mom and how she said he can have a cookie - which is something my mom would say. (My mom was a wonderful baker and cook, and we were always making cookies and treats with her!) There are even times Max just turns to me with tears in his eyes and says, "I miss grandma Penni." His constant talk about grandma Penni used to hurt --- like knives stabbing my heart --- because I almost preferred to ignore the fact that she was dead by not thinking about her all the time. However, playing into his talk about grandma Penni makes talking about her easier now.
Max of course also talks about how much he misses grandpa Garrard, who passed away 6 months ago, and grandpa Mark, who passed away 4 months ago. This weekend, while at my cousins wedding, I was brought to tears instantly when her and her dad had their dance together. One day when I marry again, and when my sister marries, my grandpa will not be here to dance with us. This thought alone brings me to tears. Our grandfather has played the role of our father the majority of our lives and his death has left yet another hole in my heart.
It's hard for me not to think about the bad anniversaries of things, like mom's "death-day" today, grandpa's 6 month "death-day" last week, dad's 4 month "death-day" a couple weeks ago, etc. My thoughts are consumed with thoughts of how it's been another year/month/birthday since mom/dad/grandpa died for many days and weeks leading up to that date. And unfortunately, after that date passes, the next countdown begins. I have been doing this for 3 years now. I honestly HATE that I do it too, but I really don't know how to not. My mind is very date oriented and it's almost like I HAVE to remember those dates for them so that they know that I am acknowledging they existed such-and-such amount of time ago, and that I am truly sadden by the lapse in time. I know that it is absurd, but I have recently become aware of this and I am trying to change the way I think. I told my friend that it's probably a good thing that dad passed away the day after mom's birthday in April because that month is already "ruined." In April my mind is already consumed with thoughts of how it's mom's birthday and how she's not here to celebrate it with.
More recently I have needed my mom's advice on things. My grandma has played the role of my mother, like grandpa, however, I have never really been able to talk to her like I did with my mom. I think it's the big generation gap or something. Anyway, times when I need her to talk to make it harder on me that she's gone - so I apologize if this post sounds so down. I really am happy and I fully believe I will see her, dad, and grandpa again one day. I just miss them incredibly so.
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